Love is not forever. It's temporary. I learned this the hard way...

HEELLLOOOO EVERYONEEEE!!!! It's been a little quiet online and I am here to stay I am back and returned with new ideas and everything else.

I am not engaged to be married as of February (this month when I originally wrote this article), to an Indian man who I thought loved me for all my imperfections and flaws, as well as my beauty. I met him, Friday, January 27th, 2023 on the Salams App (formerly known as Minder - Muslim Tinder) and we met in person Tuesday, January 31, 2023 at the Garden State Plaza, NJ.

We walked around the mall a little bit and then entered into the GUESS store. I never been a fan of Guess until that day. I wanted so many things from that store, but what caught my eye was a yellow dress (and you guys know, it's my favorite color!) I stared at it too because I fell in love. Mehdi wanted to buy me whatever I wanted, but I didn't want to abuse his wallet like that, even though he sees me as a wife already. It was our first time meeting and I didn't want him to see me as a Gold Digger.

"There's also the clearance section in the back where there's 50% off the red tags." A sales associate told us. So we made our way to the back and I browsed the whole store at least the women's section. I looked at a leather suit that would look cute on me, but I told him, "NOOOOO! You are not buying it for me!!! STOP IT!"

He just kept smiling at me and holding me tight against him for a bear hug. I kept walking and walked towards the coat rack. I saw a blue coat that would have looked great with my outfit, but I didn't want him to spend the money on me!

He kept insisting and I replied, "NOOOOOO!" So I turned around and saw the handbags. There was a blue one and a brown one with the Guess logo all over it. I asked him, "Which once?" He pointed to the brown one.

So we bought the bag and left the store to head towards McDonald's. We eat Big Macs with fries and soda. Diet for me and regular for him. After walking around more and looking at more stores, we ended up going back to the high-end motel Ramada. We laughed and played around, until it was time to go home. We went our separate ways. Ended the night with a kiss to seal our loyalty and love to each other.

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After being with a man who I thought would love me for my flaws and imperfections for close to three months, we ended the relationship for good. No friendship afterwards, nothing. No contacting each other. He removed me from his Instagram following and unfollowed me. So I wrote how I felt on my Facebook page, forgetting about him being my friend on there. I expressed how drained I felt after the relationship and that I just need to focus on what's next for me.

Growing up in dating and hookup culture is the worst! I hate American or Westernized culture when it comes to love. The idea of love is lost in today's society. Everyone wants to be loved by someone, but doesn't want to take on the responsibility to lead or go through with the plan they planned out for years before meeting their significant other. Everyone wishes to fall in love the way their grandparents did or the way it used to be in the 1900s or earlier, but there's no afford to make that happen (at least when it comes to the guys I have been with). There's many social media posts about love and couples being in love, showing off their partners, while I sit back and watch the show alone.

When I think about love, for me, it doesn't exist for me anymore. The amount of relationships I have been in, makes me realize, I will never be in love with anyone. I can't love someone the way I love myself. There's plenty of guys that find me attractive and want to be with me, but I always stop them. I stop them from going further in the relationship. I compromise the relationship before it can flourish into something better and serious. I push guys away because I'm scared to trust another man. If I could find love again it would have to be with a woman.

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At the end of the day, there is someone out there for me and someone out there for everyone else. I believe my soulmate isn't alive anymore. I truly believe that whoever my soulmate was doesn't walk this Earth anymore. I'm very pessimistic when it comes to love. I write my list and expectations for a man, over and over again, and nothing. My person does not exist. I think it's best for me to never fall in love again and just walk through life alone and single. The way you came into this world alone, is the way you go out of this world: alone.

Everyone will eventually fall in love with someone, but the question is who will it be? Will you fall in love with yourself? Another human being? You are the author of your own book, you write your destiny and your fates to your own discretion.